I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
