i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
