Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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