Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
