Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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