Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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