I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
