my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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