its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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