Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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