I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
