Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
