I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
