I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
from now on my penis is your penis
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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