Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
