my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
