I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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