when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
