i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
