I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
