Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All I want is dick and wine.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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