My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
