worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
