I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
