I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
