Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
