Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
