it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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