Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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