I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
