My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
