We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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