Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
