I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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