My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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