It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
