Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
