Whod you bang
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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