I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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