You don't have asthma, your pregnant
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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