I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
