Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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