He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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