I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
