he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
