I didn't shave. On purpose
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
