some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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