Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
