I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
