I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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