why didn't you poke me back
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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