i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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