According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
